Fears

I know that I've been posting mainly "end of the year" posts of late, but that is what I am mainly thinking about.

I'm terrified, and joyous. I hope that my college decision is the right one--the one that will get me into a good graduate school, which, in turn, will allow me to have a good life. I dislike disappointing people, and I'm afraid that saying "no" to my other beloved acceptances will make them mad. I know that this is a silly thought, but I can't help it.

There is a Sylvia Plath quote that describes my worries (because there is a Sylvia Plath quote for everything): "What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle-age." I am so afraid of failure, more than anything else (frogs, spiders, heights, bees). I need to feel successful, and hopefully that is what college will bring for me. I can only wish.

I know that I can make the best of my educational life, but I'm still scared. I mean, I've never been to college before.

In other news, I got sorted on Pottermore the other day, and I'm a Ravenclaw. So it is official. I've identified with the Ravenclaw house for quite some time, and, while I fully identify as a Ravendor, I did not not want to be a Gryffindor.

Also, vacation has been lovely in many ways. I saw "Cabin in the Woods" with friends. It was so wonderful. And I am now going to go read and listen to bad music. Which is always entertaining.

Rambles: Reflections

So, I'm becoming increasingly philosophic as the end of the school year draws closer.

I just realized that in two months I will not only be done with school, but I will have graduated. Holy moly!

Then I will go off to college, and have a wonderful experience, and be happy and study all that I've always wanted to.

I'm also pretty sure I'm going to be a mess on the last day of school. I'm really, really going to miss some of my teachers.

I just have so many weird feelings right now.

Vacation is soon, which means I can relax and study.

It's April

Which is weird.

School ends so soon... but I am so busy... so it doesn't really feel that way... within a month, I'll have to decide on which college I'm going to attend. (!!!)

And to be quite frank, I'm scared to make that decision. I know that wherever I go, I'll do well, but I'm still scared.

Deciding will be a bit of a stress-reliever, I'd like to hope...

I also want (need) to blog some more. I want to post photos, and maybe recipes... because I dually love baking and food photography. I need to take more pictures, and I need to practice my ukulele more than I am (which has been almost not at all because of the amount of work I've had).

It also stopped feeling like Spring, which is annoying. I like love Spring. I'd like it back now, please.

I'm going to list things I'd like to do before school is up:

1. Write seven short stories.
2. Take 300 photos (some/many of which can be bad).
3. Read more classics!
4. Choose a fantastic college and stick with it!
5. Find an awesome prom dress (yeah, it's April and I still don't have one).
6. Walk even more!
7. Play my ukulele.
8. Learn how to knit.
9. Blog more often (sorry for the sparsity of late...)

We shall see if I accomplish all these things. Also, I'll  breathe more.

Rambles: Reasons

So, sometimes things that are really annoying or really bad happen.
And sometimes one puts those things on a catastrophic level when they don't need to be.
Because things will happen for a reason, even if that reason is not understandable at the moment.

Also, nothing cannot be remedied with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, tea, and strawberries.

This has been a post, albeit a short one.

Here are reasons that I should be happy:

1. I'm likely going to Scotland this summer.
2. Otters
3. I can probably double minor in college (!!)-- Gender Studies and French perhaps?
4. Libraries
5. The Dewey Decimal System
6. I'm seeing my cousins in a bit more than a week!
7. Strawberries

More Rambles

Even though school doesn't end for another two months, it really feels as though everything is winding down.

My history teacher gave us our last syllabus... our next unit in Biology is our last...

and, as much as I am joyful at the prospect of beginning college, I'm sad. High School has been hard and oftentimes stressful beyond belief, but it's been home. And now I'm going to be leaving.

And, about a week or so after my last day is my graduation. I'll walk up on stage in front of hundreds of people to get a slip of paper that acknowledges my lack of failure, and then I'll sit back down. And it will all be over. Holy moly.

And then it will be summer, filled with traveling, being a counselor, ukulele, iced tea, reading, hanging out with friends before we all depart for college, and relaxing. And more reading.

The aspect of college that stresses me out most is honestly what books I'm going to bring. Because I have hundreds and I can most likely only bring twenty or fewer. Eep.

I don't have the classic "senioritis", and I don't think I'll get it. However, on warm days (such as today), I really want to sit and drink iced tea and read, and not have to worry. Alas, I do still worry. College acceptances/rejections, schoolwork, exercise, what to read next... worryworryworry.

I crave good music. I want to travel to foreign countries. I want to have more time for my ukulele. I want to write more for fun.  I want to read all the Nancy Drew stories (classic) that I have not yet read. I want to write my paper analyzing Buffy and I want to start more. I want to be vegan. I want to walk around the city. I want to be fluent in French and three more languages. I want to dye my hair a slightly lighter shade of brown. Or maybe a deep red. I want to learn ballroom dancing. I want to learn ASL.

I want to study linguistics in my spare time (hah, what spare time?), I want to read up more on gender studies, and I need to learn more about psychology. I hope that I can work in my college's library. Books are wonderful companions and I get lost in them.

I'm very tired, so I'm going to go to sleep now.

Passing Thoughts: Mind reading

A few days ago I was watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which she gains the ability to read minds.

Which got me thinking (as many things tend to do): would I, if given the chance, like to be able to read minds?

Yes. Of course. I'd love to know what people are thinking. It's like extra-deluxe people watching!

No. Never. It's an invasion of privacy, and goodness knows I wouldn't want to know everything that everyone was thinking.

But it would be interesting, we keep so much hidden behind our words. Even if we aren't afraid to show who we are, our minds are the one place no one can get to unless we permit them, and if mind reading were possible, barriers would fall apart between both friends (close and not), family, and strangers.

Obviously, excessive secrecy is bad, but complete openness in all aspects of life does not do one any good either.

I "read" people. I always have. I form judgements about them based on their body language, but I also rely on visual signals to have a good conversation. Because of this, I have a very hard time talking on the phone. I get extremely anxious at the prospect of having to make a telephone call, the only people with whom I feel completely okay with calling are my parents. Even other family members and close friends make me nervous.

This is also why I don't really love texting. It's a false sense of communication.

On that note, I'm so very glad I did not have any phone interviews for college. That is a true blessing.

How to Read

I read a lot. I read fairly quickly.

People like to comment on this, saying "Emily, how do you read so much/so fast?!", "Emily, how many books have you read this week?", "What are you reading now?" and so on.

So here you go. This is a guide for how to read.

Pick a book, any book. Go to a library, a bookstore of any sort. Grab a book off the shelf and buy it if it looks even sort of good. Take it home with you. Sit on your couch, and open up the book. Bring it to your face and breathe in. Close your eyes, prepare for take off.

Open up to page one. Start reading. Fall in love with the characters, the plot, the language. Cry, laugh, be appalled. It's all natural. Feel what the characters are feeling. Identify with one or more of them if you can. That can always help. Look up words you don't know or words that you have forgotten.

Stand up, stretch, make yourself some tea. If it's time for bed, sleep. Then read more, allow the "real" world to fall away so that you are only left with the world of the author's creation. Imagine what it looks like. Smell the book again, as many times as you want. Hold it close if a character is having a hard time, or if they die. Which obviously sucks. Let feeling come over you.

Have another cup of tea, or coffee, or a bottle of water. Shift your reading position. I personally like to read while I am upside-down. But maybe that's just me. Forget the world around you, you might even forget to eat. I would advise having an apple, a bowl of strawberries, or popcorn nearby. Sit until your legs are sore, until you feel as though you've been walking for hours. Smell the book again.

Once you reach the end, it's okay to cry. Slowly walk out of the new world, savoring it until the back cover closes. Breathe in the book's smell once again, hold it close, and then repeat.